Thursday, December 17, 2015

Words I love

Slowly I'm starting to like poetry. Largely thanks to Simon Van Booy who writes short stories that  feel like poems.
So here are some words from wise people that have helped me on this European adventure. 



“I think people would be happier if they admitted things more often. In a sense we are all prisoners of some memory, or fear, or disappointment - we are all defined by something we can’t change.” 
― Simon Van BooyThe Illusion of Separateness



To live of love is to sail afar
and bring both peace and joy where'er I be 
O pilot blest! love is my guiding star, 
in every soul I meet, thyself I see
Safe sail I on, through wind or rain or ice, 
Love urges me, love conquers every gale. 
High on my mast behold is my device, 
"By love I sail." 
--St. Therese of Liseaux, Excerpt from "To Live of Love"



Those are the golden sessions; when our slippers are on, our feet spread out toward the blaze and our drinks are at our elbows; when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk; and no one has any claim on or any responsibility for another, but all are freemen and equals as if we had first met an hour ago, while at the same time an Affection mellowed by the years enfolds us. Life — natural life — has no better gift to give. 

--CS Lewis, The Four Loves


Nature’s first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf’s a flower; 
But only so an hour. 
Then leaf subsides to leaf. 
So Eden sank to grief, 
So dawn goes down to day. 
Nothing gold can stay. 
--Robert Frost

Otherwise—Jane Kenyon

I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise. I ate
cereal, sweet
milk, ripe, flawless
peach. It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birch wood.
All morning I did
the work I love.

At noon I lay down
with my mate. It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks. It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.




Learning about Your's Truly

It may seem like Aupairs have a lot of free time. 
Most do.
I do not, largely because I am also a language student. I go to class in the morning after dropping the kiddos off at school, and then usually I have to be back by 12 to pick them up, make lunch, and then do after school things until about 7pm. Then I get free time. 

I realize that this is the real world, and that is the way life is going to be.
The kicker is, my job involves two people that are under the age of eight. And,  I don't have many friends. 
A) Its hard to meet people when most of my day is spent on the mountain doing soccer mom things
B) 7pm feels awful late these days

Usually when I take the Myers Briggs Personality test I come out as an INFJ.
 Fun fact: only one percent of the population allegedly has it. 

Here is a quick description: 
 INFJs find it easy to make connections with others, and have a talent for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with pure logic and fact. It makes sense that their friends and colleagues will come to think of them as quiet Extroverted types, but they would all do well to remember that INFJs need time alone to decompress and recharge, and to not become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw. INFJs take great care of other’s feelings, and they expect the favor to be returned – sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a few days.

I pretend to not care too much about these personality test things- but more and more I am realizing that this is spot on. It is great that I love alone time to read, draw, (watch netflix, cough cough). But more than this, I love people. And I miss them. 
I am getting to the point where I miss having friends in my every day life. Even when I was a student, I had many people to talk to in my classes. I had my professors. I had roommates, I had my ministry friends, I had my family a short drive away. 

Now that I am away from all of this, I miss it. A lot. 

At the same time I know that this kind of life will come again, and I will be craving days spent in silence. I know that I will miss being able to ponder silly things like - the pirates that sit in the crow's nest, and how that applies to bringing creative thinking into the real world. Silly things like that that I get to think about while I wait for the bus for an hour before I realize that the sign clearly says that my bus line was diverted to another stop for the weekend. Thanks Italy. Not your fault?
Being here has taught me a lot about seeing value in little things. 

Like getting to see my friend for two hours to give her a Christmas card, because that is the only free time I had in the day to see her. Being grateful for that small window, and not resenting the fact that I was not given more. 
I told her,  "Gosh, I just can't wait to have a car again, and a schedule that is my own." She said, "You know, having your own schedule and ownership of your life is really just a myth that people never stop chasing. Its not real."

I know, I know. She's wise. 

Like most humans, I love receiving affirmation. I love getting grades that tell me that my thoughts are important and good. I love having friends tell me that my insight is helpful. I love having people ask me to do something because I am good at it. I really love it when people ask me to tap dance.

Here, I am largely without my means to receive affirmation, at least in the ways I had grown used to. 
And thats a hard thing to be without. 
Slowly and painfully, I'm learning that I don't need it. If I am going to proclaim that my worth comes from the Lord and not my own abilities and gifts, the least I could do is try and believe it. 

God knows that I'm not great at believing things without being forced into it. 

So here's to having nights to spend reading words of those that are wiser, the little things that remind me when I'm acting stupid, and knowing that there is no such thing as real solitude. 

And also, home in two days :) 





Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Let's Recap

Hello!

Even though I am terrible at keeping up with this, turns out I've written quite a lot. So here is a quick "best of" to wrap up the year.

What does frozen cookies on Friday mean?

What did I look like in my prime?
"Emmy that was great. Show us more."
Stop I hate showing pictures of middle school me. That's a lie.

I post a lot about embarrassing moments.
Here is an embarrassing confession.

But here is probably a better one.

Where my sense of humor (or lack of according to some people) gets its roots.
And why I am beyond thankful for it.

Heartfelt piece about granddaddy.

When things got hard in Italy.
So its best to just laugh at yourself.

So thanks for sticking with me all 10 ish of you!
 On a side note, starting this weekend I will be going skiing with the family every single weekend for the rest of the winter. No lie. Chance of a life time right? Don't get me wrong I'm crazy excited and grateful. But also I'm already nervous.
This is why.

But.. I'm  excited to take things slowly and build up to the point where I actually enjoy it. Which will happen. I hope. It must.
I should also stop reading about Avalanche survivor stories, because I've been doing that way too much this week. I realize there are better ways to prepare for a novice ski season.

So here is to being comfortably over my halfway mark, and for the fact that Italy finally feels a bit more normal and comfortable. Give or take the day, lets be real.

Apparently, according to my friend GK Chesterton, gratitude is the highest form of human thought. In the spirit of Thanksgiving and the Advent season (heck yeah!) I figured it was a good of time as any to sit and bask in some gratitude.
And holy cow. If you ever do that (which most intelligent/holy people  recommend), prepared to be blown away.

Just a short list:
-The fact that I am in Europe for a whole year.
-The fact that my life is significantly slower and quieter than the crazy mess I made for myself in college.
- The fact that so many people here have showered me with kindness, friendship, and companionship that I do not deserve.
- Learning about obedience through pushing through hard things I can't stand.
-Realizing I would be a much better version of myself if I spent a significant part of my day choosing to be thankful instead of being choosy. (Sorry I know that's corny.)

Anyways, its been a 15 months with this blog, and an even better 7 months in Italy and mostly ignoring my blog.
I hope you enjoy reading, and happy Advent season!